Thinking of Robin Williams and every one with a mental illness!

This week we lost one of my favorite celebrities from The Bay Area who was not only famous to The Bay, but to the world. He played the funny guy in so many movies and he played the funny guy in this hectic world, yet he was so sad inside and going through something for only God knows how long. He decided to take his own life. I have seen him in person interacting with your everyday person once helping people get there bags off the baggage carousel at the airport. Just goes to show you never know the battles of anyone until unfortunately sometimes it is just too late.

This is something that more than half the human race deals with. I am going to go on a hunch and say half of the people you think are so happy and easy going, not a worry in the world, living the “perfect life” have their issues too. The happiness you see through a smile is just a disguise to hide their problems. I myself and a more than a handful of people I know have thought or attempted in taking our own life. As a human when you are at your lowest the most common thoughts are “If I wasn’t here. Life would be better.” and “No one would miss me if I wasn’t here.” The one thing I took from my stress reduction class is to question the integrity of how your feeling or question the integrity of what you’re saying to yourself. Something that I have found helpful in this world is to find an outlet don’t just sit back and take a beating from yourself. Finding someone to talk to is step one. Whether this person is a friend that you can confide in or a new friend that you meet in a chat room, let that person become a shoulder to virtually cry on. Even if it is a paid person to listen to you, let that person be an outlet. Last but not least who for me is the one person that you should talk to on top of another one of the others is God. He is always listening to you regardless if you talk to Him personally or not it’s just you might hear His answers a little clearer if you are having a conversation with Him. Just know that if you were meant to be dead well you would be dead. You are meant to be a live and meant to have a chance at a new day every new morning that you are blessed with.

When it was time for me to reach out to a professional it was because I had so much anxiety at night time that I thought I was going to die in my sleep. This would ruin my day times because I was depressed about sleeping my days away and then having to go through the cycle again the next night. Every night I fell asleep it was not because I lay down and closed my eyes voluntarily but because I unknowingly passed out after fighting off my sleep for hours. Imagine being so scared to fall sleep that you forced yourself awake because you were not sure if that was going to be your last moment on this earth. I am not ready to die… I have so much to give in this world… I want to do so much… I have so much to accomplish in this lifetime… this just simply cannot be it… this is what plagued my mind constantly. Then when I finally fell asleep it would either be a dream of me falling off of a cliff and jumping out of my sleep gasping for air or a dream of spider webs covering my body. Yes… I would dream of waking up in the middle of night with spiders hanging over me or a maze of cob webs layered over my sleeping body and in the moment I feel like should I use my gymnastic moves that I only have in my dreams to get out of the webs and then destroy them but being human I jump out of bed and out of that dream. Then to top it off I have the fear that when my mom left the house or anyone that I cared for was set to come back to me they just simply did not come back. I have always just prayed my way out of both.

When talking to my boyfriend about this blog he says that when he has to explain his depression or anxiety to anyone he “describes it being just like a bummed knee or any other physical illness, you just learn to live with it and sometimes you have flair ups and you have to give it a little extra attention.” I think that he is absolutely right to compare it to any other ailment or illness but what sucks is you can’t live with this. It could get just as bad to where you hide away from the world. That in your paranoid mind the world is trying to “get you”, or deal with it so long you think that to give up and take your own life is your final choice. That is not living. Living takes surviving. That is suffering.

When I think of Robin Williams I can’t help but think of the Genie from Disney’s Aladdin. The Genie always came off in such a good mood granting wish after wish for whoever gave him the chance, while really just wanting to be free from it all. It wasn’t until Jafar got a hold of him and made him do dark things his job of being the happy magical Genie had disappeared and you see him as the prisoner he knew he was and settled with. Then in the last minute there is a fight for his life and he is liberated to roam as free as he wanted. I can’t help but think he was going through the darkest times of his career and obviously his life and just wanted to be that free genie. I am confident that he is in Heaven cracking jokes and making voices. The Lord knows our struggles and is a foot ahead of our freewill choices it is our destiny and he wrote the book. The world will miss a legend like Robin Williams but we can take all that he has done and turn his glorious life and tragic death into the great inspiration that he was and always will be.

I can tell you how much I prayed my way to get out of it, but if I told you that my depression and anxiety at night was gone or even that I had answers to this illness that would be a lie. What does help me get by is picking up new hobbies, collecting new things, basically a distraction for my mind to think of anything else. Lately what has been helping not only me but my boyfriend as well is embracing Our Heavenly Father more than ever before. I am ready to get “foundated” in a Christian church that has a message of love and peace, listen to Christian music that is uplifting and nothing but positive. Just be a positive person all around and try to only uplift those around me, but also try and not worry about things just truly trust in His plan for me, oh and who can forget to Pray! My battle strategy doesn’t have to be the one for you or maybe it is, either way you need to fight this war. Think of outlets and a game plan, I am always an email away to help you. The one thing I do know is suicide is not the answer to your problems, there is help… if you need a virtual shoulder to lean on I encourage you to please email me, I will answer, listen to you, and give you some free advice that you can take with a grain of salt or take to the heart. I am here to pray with you, pray for you, or pray for me. Just reach out a finger and email me or call someone anyone, the world as cruel as it is can be a beautiful place, a place of The Lords children. You are one too. If you think no one will miss you are wrong, I will miss you and miss out on the chance to make a new friend.

Email me at:
prettytoria415@gmail.com

Don’t be afraid to call someone, if you think you have no one then I encourage you to call the Suicide Hotline at:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-8255

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