Here we are Monday Blog time and I have the worse case of writer’s block. You know what makes this the worse is because not only am I stuck and do not know what really to type but I don’t even have a topic my brain is blank and I blame the huge anxiety attack I had a few days ago. So I am going to just talk to you as if you are in front of me and we are having a conversation about my issues.
So this episode all started last Thursday, I only had 2 days off last week in between my work weeks, that day my sister was sleeping over and we had been out all night from about 5pm to 2am. We went to three different malls, dinner, and a trip to Walmart. I know it sounds crazy but I was going on for a 5 day 12 hour shifts work week and then when I get off on Wednesday morning hopping onto the plane, so I had to get the things I wanted or needed then. Friday morning came we were sleeping I had just gone to sleep at 5 am and my novio got home at 7am, I started to have palpitations as I got up to let him in the house. When I went to lay down they became worse and worse and I started to get scared to close my eyes because I thought I was going to die once I closed my eyes. This type of night time anxiety is the way I felt when I first started getting bedtime episodes. I was so tired that I could not fight my sleep and fell asleep of course I am alive and thankful to God.
When I woke up Friday morning I was so out of it and still so anxious I just had to get out of the house and get fresh air. I did not know what was wrong with me all that I knew is that I wanted to be not at home and in fresh air. So my concerned significant other came along and we ended up in a store and using the excuse of getting things for the trip like clothes and grooming necessities. Feeling a little bit better we went to eat lunch at a Hawaiian fast food place and for some reason it brought me right back into the mode of depression and anxiety. This feeling had lasted for about 3 days and slowly started to fade away, crying here and there just blank staring with this out of it sensation almost what some call a “Stuck Like Chuck” mode. Since Friday I have not been able to sleep past 5 hours I am up at 1pm everyday, I work graveyard so I get out of work go home and try to sleep and now have this alarm clock inside. The one good thing that has happened is that my SO’s amount of compassion he has for me especially since this episode started has been amazing and we have been out almost everyday enjoying our time spent together.
Solution aka comfort because I believe the war or battle to be fought with anxiety is comfort. The thing about anxiety is it makes you feel like you are in a panic and your whole life is out of order and I think if you can combat those thoughts with urges of comfort you could win that battle just a little sooner. First thing I did was to talk to my mom to try and figure out what was wrong, she is someone I have always been able to tell anything and everything too. We started talking and I realized my anxiety started last Wednesday when we went out to dinner for my cousins birthday and my mom just looked so different to me and she looked so frail it scared me into a little bit of shock. The next day I was talking some fantasy wedding BS with my sister and realized a couple of people I have always thought to be in attendance to my wedding had passed recently and again it was a shock to my emotional violin. Finally, I have putting so much pressure on myself for this trip one because I am not my most confident self right now and for the first time I am meeting the man I want to be my always and forever family. I met his mom and that is key, but from the beginning he has talked so highly of the ladies all of them in his family and it is an absolute honor to get to meet the rest of them finally but it is a bit scary to meet his sister and nieces. I have been wanting and have been super excited for this to come and at the time when I was going through the episode all of my insecurities came to heart and made a pit in my tummy. Now that I know what’s wrong I can try to fight it with explosions of comforting thoughts.
I am more excited then nervous at this moment and my episode has passed for the most part. How? Well I found a comfort to focus on and that was my SO his compassion for me and my feelings is what saved me. I went hard into this battle to win this one, I kept up with my bible readings on my phone, I listened to the words my SO was saying to me, I chatted a little with his family and since day one it has felt like I knew his mom, sister, and his girls for years passed, and finally I went outside took deep breathes prayed and smelled the flowers. I am not saying I am cured of my issues I am just saying that I beat this episode for the most part. I think or at least I know once we land and get our family time started with his family my anxiety will be gone.. smiles and laughs will be shared and I will be able to breathe relief.
I love you guys so much and I am so thankful for my readers and subscribers. If you are going through anxiety and need someone to talk please don’t hesitate to reach out to me. I am blessed to have an outlet here, my only request for my followers is that we try to make our time as wonderful as possible for ourselves and others we come across.
PS My writers block didn’t last.. LOL!
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