I was going to avoid a post this week and maybe next week too, only because I am going through one of my most anxious times of my life. I am so nervous and spaced out and cry on and off for no reason. Spaced out through out the day not really able to sleep and the only time I am able to focus is at work but I thinks that is because I am nervous about jeopardizing my career and I am not willing to do that. I like it too much.
Now I am not sure what has sent me into this spasm but I have reached out for someone to speak with. I honestly believe it was just a lot of nerves running with high emotions for the last week. Let’s begin with nerves about flying.. I am some what more comfortable flying with my SO but still a nervous flyer, nerves going crazy because I was finally meeting my novios family and wanting them to like me to love me like my family loves him. Then being in a new area and having to rely on a stranger for a 5 minute ride to make an event on time all while being stressed out about how I looked that day. I know the last one sounds weird and it very well may be but if you have anxiety then you will know that change does not always go so well and if you are a lady or self conscious in the slightest then you know you feel me on not liking what I’m wearing. Finally a feeling of being so homesick I cried for my mom for almost 2 days. It sounds crazy because where we ended the vacation with his mom I feel so comfortable but sometimes has humans you are just at your limits and yes even though I love being there and could spend a week if not longer there the events leading up to there was just all to much for me. When I got home I was anxious still that I could not sleep and just had to wake up and not be in the house so I went to the stores. After a couple days of shopping I finally had a breakdown with my boyfriend! I just could not take being the one who compensates her emotions with shopping anymore, I want to be someone who yes is into fashion but because I enjoy the clothing not because I need to buy something new in order to feel a sense of control and tranquility in life and to make things worse I don’t want to be this person that fears her anxiety to the point where it stops me from living. The night before this breakdown being stressed out already we had gone to the baseball game and in the crowd I just felt so uncomfortable most of the game, then followed by what could be my least favorite thing in the world a crowded bar the next night. So sitting on my floor sobbing going through a breakdown I decided to reach out and try to talk to someone again. Just to vent and let out all that I have hopefully. The next day which would be Easter we were celebrating with most of our family which just seemed so surreal that we were all there well most of us.. for some reason as I get older it is harder and harder for my family to get together. So we were together and I went inside for only God knows why and seen my mom sitting in a room of people but aside on the couch and her eyes were open so I called out Mom and no response… I knew that she had slipped into an episode again so I began to do everything the paramedics do. Lay her down and lift her legs, kept calling her name and talking to her to try and get something from her. My aunt and cousin were there to take her pulse which was low, my other cousin calling 911. Finally my novio and my nino put her on the ground and her eyes began to roll back and flutter and her mouth in an awkward form I was trying not to cry but I was at my breaking point the day before and did not need this. The EMT’s arrived and began to work on her and one was asking me questions but in that the moment I could not process info due to the fact that I just seen what was the worse episode my mother had ever had.. I could not help but to cry for a minute and then answer there questions. They were able to stand her up and get her into the chair and take her to ambulance, preparing myself for that familiar ride in the ambulance but then they tell me I can not ride with her because they don’t take riders. When we get to the hospital they WILL NOT let me be with my mom, after her being there for about 15-25 minutes finally they call me to see her. The first words from her mouth “sorry I ruined Easter!” ='(
That was the first (not being able to be with her) and I hope the last of that stress when my mom is sick I need to be by her side at all times many times as she has been with me. I understand this maybe to the DR’s or it may not be just another episode for her but to me she is my life and I can’t lose her and I can’t let her go through this alone because God willing she will not be alone in this fight for health. So to the EMT’s and the hospital that helped us that day thank you for your hard but please to do not keep me from being by my moms side until I sign papers of financial responsibility ever again. I get it has to be done and it will get done but imagine that being your mom and you not being allowed to see her even if for just 20 minutes… that 20 minutes will feel like an eternity because that is what it felt like for me!
All that being said this is a big part of my anxiety no it is not everything but this is a start and hopefully the start to my road of self help or just help. As for my mom she is feeling better again they could not find anything but she was happy with the ER Dr that day and we have called to make an appointment with other specialist. Hopefully this episode will lead to answers. You guys who read this mean the world to me so promise to try your hardest to make your day and the day for others WONDERFUL.
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