Some Reasons for My Anxiety

I was going to avoid a post this week and maybe next week too, only because I am going through one of my most anxious times of my life.  I am so nervous and spaced out and cry on and off for no reason.  Spaced out through out the day not really able to sleep and the only time I am able to focus is at work but I thinks that is because I am nervous about jeopardizing my career and I am not willing to do that.  I like it too much.

Now I am not sure what has sent me into this spasm but I have reached out for someone to speak with.  I honestly believe it was just a lot of nerves running with high emotions for the last week.  Let’s begin with nerves about flying.. I am some what more comfortable flying with my SO but still a nervous flyer, nerves going crazy because I was finally meeting my novios family and wanting them to like me to love me like my family loves him.  Then being in a new area and having to rely on a stranger for a 5 minute ride to make an event on time all while being stressed out about how I looked that day.  I know the last one sounds weird and it very well may be but if you have anxiety then you will know that change does not always go so well and if you are a lady or self conscious in the slightest then you know you feel me on not liking what I’m wearing.  Finally a feeling of being so homesick I cried for my mom for almost 2 days.  It sounds crazy because where we ended the vacation with his mom I feel so comfortable but sometimes has humans you are just at your limits and yes even though I love being there and could spend a week if not longer there the events leading up to there was just all to much for me.  When I got home I was anxious still that I could not sleep and just had to wake up and not be in the house so I went to the stores.  After a couple days of shopping I finally had a breakdown with my boyfriend!  I just could not take being the one who compensates her emotions with shopping anymore, I want to be someone who yes is into fashion but because I enjoy the clothing not because I need to buy something new in order to feel a sense of control and tranquility in life and to make things worse I don’t want to be this person that fears her anxiety to the point where it stops me from living.  The night before this breakdown being stressed out already we had gone to the baseball game and in the crowd I just felt so uncomfortable most of the game, then followed by what could be my least favorite thing in the world a crowded bar the next night.  So sitting on my floor sobbing going through a breakdown I decided to reach out and try to talk to someone again.  Just to vent and let out all that I have hopefully.  The next day which would be Easter we were celebrating with most of our family which just seemed so surreal that we were all there well most of us.. for some reason as I get older it is harder and harder for my family to get together.  So we were together and I went inside for only God knows why and seen my mom sitting in a room of people but aside on the couch and her eyes were open so I called out Mom and no response… I knew that she had slipped into an episode again so I began to do everything the paramedics do.  Lay her down and lift her legs, kept calling her name and talking to her to try and get something from her.  My aunt and cousin were there to take her pulse which was low, my other cousin calling 911.  Finally my novio and my nino put her on the ground and her eyes began to roll back and flutter and her mouth in an awkward form I was trying not to cry but I was at my breaking point the day before and did not need this.  The EMT’s arrived and began to work on her and one was asking me questions but in that the moment I could not process info due to the fact that I just seen what was the worse episode my mother had ever had.. I could not help but to cry for a minute and then answer there questions.  They were able to stand her up and get her into the chair and take her to ambulance, preparing myself for that familiar ride in the ambulance but then they tell me I can not ride with her because they don’t take riders.  When we get to the hospital they WILL NOT let me be with my mom, after her being there for about 15-25 minutes finally they call me to see her.  The first words from her mouth sorry I ruined Easter!”  ='(
That was the first (not being able to be with her) and I hope the last of that stress when my mom is sick I need to be by her side at all times many times as she has been with me.  I understand this maybe to the DR’s or it may not be just another episode for her but to me she is my life and I can’t lose her and I can’t let her go through this alone because God willing she will not be alone in this fight for health.  So to the EMT’s and the hospital that helped us that day thank you for your hard but please to do not keep me from being by my moms side until I sign papers of financial responsibility ever again.  I get it has to be done and it will get done but imagine that being your mom and you not being allowed to see her even if for just 20 minutes… that 20 minutes will feel like an eternity because that is what it felt like for me!
All that being said this is a big part of my anxiety no it is not everything but this is a start and hopefully the start to my road of self help or just help.  As for my mom she is feeling better again they could not find anything but she was happy with the ER Dr that day and we have called to make an appointment with other specialist.  Hopefully this episode will lead to answers.  You guys who read this mean the world to me so promise to try your hardest to make your day and the day for others WONDERFUL.
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Monday Anxiety Update

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I would like to say that my anxiety level has dropped to barely there but we all know that this is not something that goes away just like that.  However some things are getting easier to combat in my mind and see the real and not the mind game that I am used to.  Like for instance if I see foundation on a box in the makeup department, normally my mind would tell me that I need to check my hands 10 times no matter if I touched it or not because it is actually blood and I am going to catch a disease from the foundation.  But what had happen this time was that I knew it wasn’t blood and that I did not touch it anyways so I was perfectly fine.. yes it took me a few minutes to grasp on to the truth of the situation but none the less I did.  Now today at a store a girl who was ringing me up had a nasty habit of licking her thumb or finger before each time she went to grab a paper item.  So this was the tissue to wrap my item, the bag, and the receipt.  I could not take it and almost didn’t buy it.  I would normally come up with a reason to take a different one from the way out and not get a bag or receipt but I was so shocked I took the bag left with it and sanitized my hands.  So of course I Googled a whole bunch of things that you can catch from saliva and licking fingers, and besides it being just real nasty habit unless I am a finger licker then I am good.  I know everyone is wondering if I am a finger licker and the answer is NO but I am a nail bitter which is one bad habit that I have been working on so guess I have another reason not to put my hands in my mouth.  Also I am going to spray or wipe down my stuff with alcohol or sanitizer, because you all know me I can’t just be normal and forget about it.

 

I know this is probably the shortest blog that I have done in a while but it is Monday and I wanted to say hello to my readers.  So the way I am going to end this one is giving you a few prayers to live with and basically or at least a few things that really do help me on a daily basis:

  1. Prayer: God grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I can not change.. The COURAGE to change anything I can.. and the WISDOM to know the difference.
  2. I love the quote “Take a deep breathe and smell the flowers!
  3. Last but definitely not least do what makes you happy and what makes helps you calm.  For me we all know that the BEACH, NATURE, and SHOPPING really help me.  But the best thing tool I have to help me is my BIBLE app and they give me daily readings that just speak to me and my emotions that I have at that moment.

 

OKAY I said short and then I could just keep going but this is it.. I love you all so so much and appreciate you so very mucho for reading and liking or even just glancing my work.  Like always and forever if you need someone to talk to you can come and start with a HI and let’s chat.  Until next time KEEP IT BRILLIANT!

 

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Monday Blog Anxiety

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Here we are Monday Blog time and I have the worse case of writer’s block.  You know what makes this the worse is because not only am I stuck and do not know what really to type but I don’t even have a topic my brain is blank and I blame the huge anxiety attack I had a few days ago.  So I am going to just talk to you as if you are in front of me and we are having a conversation about my issues.

 

So this episode all started last Thursday, I only had 2 days off last week in between my work weeks, that day my sister was sleeping over and we had been out all night from about 5pm to 2am.  We went to three different malls, dinner, and a trip to Walmart.  I know it sounds crazy but I was going on for a 5 day 12 hour shifts work week and then when I get off on Wednesday morning hopping onto the plane, so I had to get the things I wanted or needed then.  Friday morning came we were sleeping I had just gone to sleep at 5 am and my novio got home at 7am, I started to have palpitations as I got up to let him in the house.  When I went to lay down they became worse and worse and I started to get scared to close my eyes because I thought I was going to  die once I closed my eyes.  This type of night time anxiety is the way I felt when I first started getting bedtime episodes.  I was so tired that I could not fight my sleep and fell asleep of course I am alive and thankful to God.

 

When I woke up Friday morning I was so out of it and still so anxious I just had to get out of the house and get fresh air.  I did not know what was wrong with me all that I knew is that I wanted to be not at home and in fresh air.  So my concerned significant other came along and we ended up in a store and using the excuse of getting things for the trip like clothes and grooming necessities.  Feeling a little bit better we went to eat lunch at a Hawaiian fast food place and for some reason it brought me right back into the mode of depression and anxiety.  This feeling had lasted for about 3 days and slowly started to fade away, crying here and there just blank staring with this out of it sensation almost what some call a “Stuck Like Chuck” mode.  Since Friday I have not been able to sleep past 5 hours I am up at 1pm everyday, I work graveyard so I get out of work go home and try to sleep and now have this alarm clock inside.  The one good thing that has happened is that my SO’s amount of compassion he has for me especially since this episode started has been amazing and we have been out almost everyday enjoying our time spent together.

 

Solution aka comfort because I believe the war or battle to be fought with anxiety is comfort.  The thing about anxiety is it makes you feel like you are in a panic and your whole life is out of order and I think if you can combat those thoughts with urges of comfort you could win that battle just a little sooner.  First thing I did was to talk to my mom to try and figure out what was wrong, she is someone I have always been able to tell anything and everything too.  We started talking and I realized my anxiety started last Wednesday when we went out to dinner for my cousins birthday and my mom just looked so different to me and she looked so frail it scared me into a little bit of shock.  The next day I was talking some fantasy wedding BS with my sister and realized a couple of people I have always thought to be in attendance to my wedding had passed recently and again it was a shock to my emotional violin.  Finally, I have putting so much pressure on myself for this trip one because I am not my most confident self right now and for the first time I am meeting the man I want to be my always and forever family.  I met his mom and that is key, but from the beginning he has talked so highly of the ladies all of them in his family and it is an absolute honor to get to meet the rest of them finally but it is a bit scary to meet his sister and nieces.  I have been wanting and have been super excited for this to come and at the time when I was going through the episode all of my insecurities came to heart and made a pit in my tummy.  Now that I know what’s wrong I can try to fight it with explosions of comforting thoughts.

 

I am more excited then nervous at this moment and my episode has passed for the most part.  How?  Well I found a comfort to focus on and that was my SO his compassion for me and my feelings is what saved me.  I went hard into this battle to win this one, I kept up with my bible readings on my phone, I listened to the words my SO was saying to me, I chatted a little with his family and since day one it has felt like I knew his mom, sister, and his girls for years passed, and finally I went outside took deep breathes prayed and smelled the flowers.  I am not saying I am cured of my issues I am just saying that I beat this episode for the most part.  I think or at least I know once we land and get our family time started with his family my anxiety will be gone.. smiles and laughs will be shared and I will be able to breathe relief.

 

I love you guys so much and I am so thankful for my readers and subscribers.  If you are going through anxiety and need someone to talk please don’t hesitate to reach out to me.  I am blessed to have an outlet here, my only request for my followers is that we try to make our time as wonderful as possible for ourselves and others we come across.

PS My writers block didn’t last.. LOL!

 

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Mind, Devil, or Both

Is it my mind or the devil?

 

I could leave that question all to itself and it could be answered a million ways.  I am in love with the man of my dreams and have everything I ever prayed for but sometimes my mind cast doubts.  No physical evidence that I am doubtful of.. just a bunch of “what ifs.”  That is not fair to myself or to my love, however he is so understanding and just tells me this is all normal.  I think I can say that finally having what I have always wanted in life scares me to lose it.  I have found the man that I can see myself with for the rest of my life and I find myself wanting to be better at things in life for the future of us.  So why in the world does my mind do this to me?  This is the question that brings the devil question into play, because to me I can only imagine one person who would want to take away my happiness that they would put harmful thoughts in my heart and mind as if it was a movie that only I could see.  Who let me tell you who.. the devil.  One thought goes into my mind and then it causes depression, anxiety, and doubt for hours upon hours.  So far the only thing that helps is to pray and read the bible.

 

Could this be the whole sensitivity problem or my huge emotional issues mixed with my anxieties taking over?  And if all of this is normal to most why does it feel like doom doom doom to me?

 

Now I need to figure out how to help solve this dilemma in my mind!  So I take to Pinterest as I do with all important questions I have… I typed in the search bar “relationship anxieties,”  and a bunch of things come up.  After reading and searching for a sign, an article, or a quote of hope I came across the following:

  1. 7 Questions To Ask Yourself The Next Time You Feel Intense Anxiety: Which is basically what it says and it goes through a couple of self inflicted reasons you could be having anxiety.  To name a couple caffine and or low blood sugar.  Click the title to take a read.
  2. 10 Ways to Show Love to Someone With Depression: Again is exactly what it says it is, and it goes through a couple of things that could help your battle with your lovers depression and to be honest this is all things that I do already to help with my depression and my lovers.  Things like going outside, a hug, or even laughing!  Click the title and take a read.
  3. The next was a photo of a quote that gave me a pick me up and when you follow the link there are a bunch of the quotes to help cope with anxiety you can look at them here: (website)! The one I like is here:d8043093fb52a95309df49e696ec2036
  4. And finally the one that sent this truthful understanding calm over my body is a picture of a quote by Monica Drake. It’s not like I was never nervous during our first dates or had butterflies when we first started dating of course but that came to an end real soon this is something I have been battling with and that is what was causing some of my doubts.  Until this quote found me and it made me feel like I knew the emotions of my heart were true, I feel he is my soul mate and I feel so comfortable around him as if we have been married for years and we are this unit in the world that knows the ins and outs of each other.  Here it is, I need to get this print and put it in our house:

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I just have nothing else to say that quote is the best way to end this anxiety filled post, on a peaceful note that makes me feel so much better!  I love you guys so much and thanks for reading come say hi here or at:

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This Is Me Quiz

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That’s me…

I found a blog tag that will help you get to know me a little bit better.  These are random questions that I found on another blog (https://everywhereyoulook.wordpress.com/2013/05/22/25-questions-tag-facts-about-me/).  I hope you enjoy!

 

What is your middle name?:Louise

What was favorite subject at school?: Art and US History

What is your favorite drink?: Unfortunately it’s Coca Cola

What is your favorite song at the moment?:

What is your favorite food?: Sandwiches and Burritos

What is the last thing you bought?: ELF Disney Collection Elsa Book and Nail Polish

Favorite book of all time?: Psalms.

Favorite Co lour?: I love pastel colors!! Especially Pink it’s my birthstone!

Do you have any pets?: I have one chihuahua and one cat that belong to me, my dog lives with my mom and then my family has a family dog that I love with all of my heart!  I love animals!!

Favorite Perfume?: Tommy Girl

Favorite Holiday?: Christmas is my absolute favorite, just the feelings that are in the air the love the joy is amazing.  Santa treats me good every year too!

Are you married?: No but committed to the love of my life!

Have you ever been out of the country, if so how many times?: Once to Mexico.

Do you speak any other language?: I speak a language between my cousins and I its our own form of gibberish.  I am also learning Spanish more and more I have always spoke it well but understanding when someone is speaking super fast is hard.

How many siblings do you have?: I have 4 sisters on my dads side that are all younger than me, and 2 very close cousins that I have lived with my whole life and they are my sisters at heart!

What is your favorite shop?: Target and Ulta.

Favorite restaurant?: I have an anxiety disorder and this makes impossible for me to pick a favorite, however it would be Pollo Tropical in Fort Lauderdale!

When was the last time you cried?: Yesterday, I am a mush bucket.  I cry for everything sad or happy or funny.

Favorite Blog?: I am going to have to say (http://www.makeupandbeautyblog.com/) but I do enjoy YouTube vlogs more!

Favorite Movie?: Right now its Blended with Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore.

Favorite TV show?: Jane The Virgin

PC or Mac?: PC

What phone do you have?: White and Gold iPhone 6 plus

How tall are you?: 5’10”

Can you cook?: Yes. I love cooking however cooking in the kitchen we have in our apartment is No Bueno!  I hope when we move we get a decent kitchen, is so hard to express your food passion in confinement.

Zulily review

zulily

The site:

This site is a site that has a bunch of separate stores and they each have a sale which is time limited.  You go on to the stores and look at the prices for the items that are on sale and they are very well named and descriptive to direct your online shopping trip.  Once you browse aka window shop which not only in the real world but online as well usually turns into me buying something you can pay all at once and not separately in the shopping cart.  I love this site because it is like shopping at Ross or Marshalls but online, which is something I have always wanted to see from them.  The one thing I was nervous about was the fact that in all the reviews I read the shipping was definitely going to be the worse.. no not the cost but the length.  I even read in some reviews that customers purchased their items and in months time it still was not there, but with all of the bad reviews for shipping I also read a few that were good and heard through word of mouth about how much people love Zulily and have not had too bad of a problem with the shipping.. So I just had to find out for myself!

 

Order Date:

 

I ordered my things on February 7th and within 4 days on the 11th I received a message from Zulily that was about the shipping plan.  So the way it works is that the companies you order from send the items to Zulily and they pack them up together and send out your stuff so I guess depending on the stores you order from could take longer or not…  then on the 17th I received a tracking number.. And my package finally arrived on the 21st so it only took 14 days and they do typically say 10-14 days!  They kept their word so I ordered again!

 

Review Of The Items:

 

  1. Highness NYC – Black Semi-Sheer Floral Poncho- Plus 2X
  2. Highness NYC – White and Navy Embroidered Tunic- Plus 3X
  3. RIV – Black and Gray Arabesque Harem Pants- Plus 3X

 

All the items came and they were true to size for the most part.  The poncho was just a little big and I could have went for the smaller size.  It still looks great on and when the time is right and I get to where this item to the pool area it is going to be adorable over my swimsuit.

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The embroidered tunic fit very well it was the length and tummy fit that I wanted to be best.  I was also nervous that this shirt was going to look cheap or unstylish because of the threading and it was not very young or hip but that was not the case at all.  It is a gorgeous shirt and you can dress it up or down.

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The final item was pants and I was so nervous about these… because when it comes to buying pants from discounted clothing stores who just so happened to have plus size the experience is not always the best and I usually do not fit my normal size.  For that purpose alone I ordered the size up and to be honest it worked out, yes they are bigger than I thought they would be but not so big that I can not wear leggings under them and it doesn’t bother me that they are a bit baggy.

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Conclusion is I loved my experience with Zulily and I have already ordered again and can’t wait to receive my leather sweat pants.. Until next time.. Thanks for reading and I love you all so much!!

Why So Sensitive

My emotions in a pic!
My emotions in a pic!

My name is Victoria and I am a sensitive person.   What does it mean to be sensitive.. Why does sensitivity cause crazy reactions.. I guess this blog is myself answering question I have always had about myself!! Kind of.

Let’s begin with a quiz that I found on Oprah’s website which is adapted from The Highly Sensitive Person, by Elaine N. Aron.  This quiz is one that is a multiple choice that consist of how much certain things affect your mood.  My favorite question is whether or not you are startled easily.  For myself I am constantly thinking about things happening to me and it plays out in my mind like a movie.  It is almost like I am nervous about everything and the anxiety builds up until I lay down for bed and then my body inside out feels like its rattling and the scary thing is that it maybe metaphorically but I am literally shaken up with my emotions.  When I say emotions I am not meaning I felt sad or happy earlier and that is all but I mean my emotions of nerves fears extreme happiness and depression that I feel almost everyday and that’s whole roller coaster of emotions every day that is ready to explode at night.  
 
The results of this test was that I am of no shocker a Highly Sensitive Person or HSP!  The results are as read directly verbatim from the website: With your hyperawareness come many strengths. HSPs consider matters deeply and often have unique and interesting perspectives. You are intuitive and tend to be an emotional leader (the first to be outraged by injustice, for example). But because you’re so tuned in to the subtleties of your surroundings, you can feel overwhelmed in chaotic environments. You’re not necessarily shy or introverted; you simply think more clearly when you’re not overstimulated—which is why navigating unfamiliar places and meeting many new people at once (think cocktail parties or client presentations) can be especially taxing. To avoid shutting down in such situations, it can help to prepare in advance. Rehearse what you want to say. Brainstorm conversation starters. Bring a friend for social support. Take frequent breaks. It’s crucial for HSPs to build downtime into their lives. Make rest a priority at least one day a week. Take time off every three months. Learn to meditate. And try not to overextend yourself when it comes to family and friends. Thanks to their affinity for reading other people’s emotions, HSPs frequently dole out more support than they can afford to give. To handle your physical sensitivities, choose decaf tea, coffee, and sodas. And carry a snack with you (preferably some form of protein) so you never get too hungry. Finally, keep in mind that HSPs tend to change careers several times. More than most people, you crave meaningful work—but a job that’s too stressful won’t make you happy. It may take several tries to find the right fit. 
 
That kind of explains it and now I think I am like this because I have dealt with some crazy stuff and always felt a certain way about myself.  That would not be fair because I have always been sensitive and quick to tear up at the eye no matter what emotion I was feeling even as a young child.  Not until recently when makeup became more then a hobby and a passion like fashion has always been to me did I become more concerned with loving myself, not to mention that I started getting recognized by my loved ones and even strangers or professionals in the industry.  I have for the first time in my life have been able to focus on something and know that I should build and capitalize on my passions but and thee is always a but in my life.  Being highly sensitive it makes it harder and harder on myself and my anxieties about succeeding are worse then ever. 
 
Now even though no one that I know has told me they have taken this test but I can assume I am not the only Highly Sensitive Person in my circle.  What it is like to live with people who are sensitive and be sensitive yourself can be the most amazing time of your life.  We are probably some of the most honest and passionate people you will know especially when it comes to our feelings.  It feels so good to be in a relationship and not hide mushy “gushiness”(my own word).  However, if you are not careful you will get so ticked off and hurt just by the moment and in the moment at hand without thinking everything or anything through that you can say things or do things that can and will hurt each other.  
 
That is all I have for now take care and I encourage you to go take the test at http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Am-I-Too-Sensitive-Highly-Sensitive-Person-Quiz .. I am your soul sister whether you are a highly sensitive or super sensitive or just a so called normal person(if you think you are normal just know that everyone has a different normal and you are different to someone)!  Keep the positive blessed love out here in the world sometime you just have to believe in the goodness just as much as you crave it.  I love you my pretties!!