Making It Happen

The other day I posted a picture on Instagram of my “Outfit of the day” or as the “insta-world” knows it my “#ootd.”  It was a simple one (you can see the pic and tell me your thoughts) a cream and black leopard print sweater with denim button up under it with the sleeve rolled up and the collar out to give it a more preppy look both for under 10 dollars together from Walmart, and paired that with leggings and black talk leather riding boots.  For accessories I wore gold studs, my favorite new fossil gold boyfriend watch, my Nanas peridot ring, and a hot pink purse from Target.  My makeup was done and I was saying as I was leaving the house my makeup definitely did not turn out well today, but my hair came out great and lasted long enough to take a picture with it.  I know it may not seem like a big deal to mention where I got everything and why was this outfit so exciting when I shop all the time but I am a bargain shopper and to give this blog even more purpose of being fashionable when you are not rich and can’t afford the luxurious items is a must and I know I always take “selfies” but bare with me it gets good..

Okay so I was shopping with my sister and we were in Forever21 fitting rooms getting ready to go when I thought I look cute let’s take a OOTD pic so I snapped 3- a kissy face, a smile, and a I can’t breathe I’m hot mouth open chin up puckered lip kind of pic and so I posted the last one lol.  Now flash forward to dinner time sitting there and I get some likes on my pic then a few comments!! Okay this is where it gets good like so good I was almost singing a song in TGIF.  The comment was someone tagging 2 other people so I go to see who they are, well it turns out that the one who made the tags was someone named (in Instagram names) “themodelhunter” she is a fashion writer and she tagged a fashion blog called “aboutalook” and the editor of that blog..  Let’s all just take that moment that I needed to compose myself in the restaurant.

My heart jumped and sparked a vision of what my dreams once were!  No not just a model but to be well known in the fashion industry and for not just the fashion pieces I chose but also for the ones that I created so just to have anyone from that world comment or forward me along to another person makes me feel like I was discovered in a sense.  And to top off the night there was a second person who commented and tagged another fashion blog page!! Now I just want to get my YouTube channel going and make more OOTD post and see where it goes maybe for a chance to one day create my line of clothes and makeup for the world.  Another note to mention is that I was feeling really down on myself about not really being able to wear jeans due to some tummy issues but I was determined to ease back into them so I don’t always feel like a slobtastic beauty queen in leggings everyday of my life.

The reason I am so excited to tell my night cap of inspiration to the world is because, this shows that no matter how old you are your true dreams will never leave your heart and no matter where in life you may be you should never stop working towards making your dreams and achievable goal and succeeding.  Now for the picture..

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I love you guys and my pretties!

Welcome back Toria… Mom’s reaction to her TV!

Long time no see…. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays… God Bless Everyone… Ho Ho Ho.. so it has definitely been some time since my last post and that is because… I moved well we moved into a 1 bedroom out of the studio and then got hit with Christmas and I have been feeling some type of ways for some days and this is not the blog you will hear all about it.. just a dash and a pinch and lets get it started!

I love more then anything gift giving, the reactions when people see what they got even if it’s something they asked for or not just watching reactions to my gifts is the best.  I am already planning my gift giving strategy for next year and for some I am going to try homemade.

I am not ready for Christmas to be over it has been one of the best ones by far in a long long long time.. thanks to my family and my novio.  There is one thing that no matter how much I try and have the best time and be cheerful and pray, I just can not let go of not having a relationship with my dad.  I am so upset it has me in a funk and sometimes I feel if he were to just tell me that he does not want to be in my life instead of just leaving me hanging then I can start a healing process!

Aside from that I was able to give my mom a big item this year,  A….. TV!!! Our old tv was about 21 years old, it was a gift from my grandpa when I was 10 and it was a ginormous tube TV, poor babe carried it down the stairs “WHAT A GENTLEMAN!”  Now what I have for you is new for my blog it is a video… of my mom’s reaction!!

I love this lady with all of my heart and I hope she know’s it, and for those of you wanting to read about my father (“FATHER OF MINE TELL ME WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN”), well stay tuned because I am working on that!  Until then enjoy the video:

Okay well here is the link to youtube page for it… that is also my channel where come the first I am going to be making all types of videos… “EXCITED”

I love yous guys and come visit me on youtube…

Oh Life..

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First things first let me just say I know I have been gone for an extra week or two, but I have been so stressed out with passing’s in my family, starting this thing called day shifts at work and just feeling under the weather in general.  I can’t promise that I will be back with more post but I can promise to just keep writing.  What can you do that is LIFE!
When amazing opportunities arise what is it that you are supposed to do, are you supposed to jump on every single thing that comes available but then doesn’t that turn into things never being enough for you and couldn’t that mean that you are never happy and you are forever chasing something.  Then there is choice b which means that you sit back until the opportunity slaps you in the face.  For me the company that I currently work for has been the only company that I initiated my career here by going online and applying and actually getting the job.  Once I was in here I was so eager to learn everything I could and move on up and I actually love the importance of what I do not only for the company and myself but for our guests.
Now comes the difficult part, I do not make enough money to survive for myself but for my mom to survive either and that is most important.  I need to have money so she can eat throughout the year-month-week-and day, not only that but she has to have medicine to live on.  To top it off I want to spoil her and give her anything and everything she could want in life.  I also want a family of my own and be there for people I love to lean on.  We all know that life is short and not promised to us life on earth is a gift and we should be thankful to have it and for what we have.
In life I want to write my daily feelings out and post them online and have followers who enjoy what I write and maybe get inspired from it, yes that’s a blogger but I also want to vlog; I also want to write books and greeting cards .  I would like to design clothing, rooms, makeup, food and beverages, and parties.. I want to be successful at my designs that my boutique and restaurants make me wealthy enough to develop a few charity outreach programs for my fellow human race and animals in need.  That is my goal, my dream is to be healthy and financially stable enough to live a comfy life with my family.
Let’s not lie I am getting older and maybe I have been getting a little discouraged in the past, but now more so then ever I am confident that God will bless me with my goals or with what is supposed to be will be.  I believe in myself and Trust in God!  All I know is to keep doing what I have been doing, keep trying or “Just Keep Swimming” and definitely keep praying and an open communication with the man upstairs listen to his words.  I would love feed back and suggestions on my goals and dreams!  Until next time my pretties..

I pray for my Big Day!

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Of course us women as young girls up until the day that we are engaged we dream of that Kim Kardahsian wedding either the second or the third big grand event.  However now that I am in what some like the Duggars (my favorite good for the soul tv show) call a courtship I have to think about an inexpensive wedding with a big guestlist.  First thing that comes to mind is how am I going to feed everyone and where am I going to fit everyone.  Of course I can try and cut down my guest list but not only does my disorder makes it so I have a fear of hurting feelings, I also would like to celebrate with my family and friends of well wishers!  When I was younger and even sometimes today I get anxious about hurting the feelings of food and other material objects,  I can already tell this is going to be the issue in my heart when I have to make the guest list and bridal party list, I am not even engaged yet and it already plays out in my mind.  As for my S/O’s mind the budget repeatedly crosses his mind, and all I can do is remind him not to worry about it we are not engaged yet and only God knows what could happen between now and then.  Maybe we will hit the lottery!!

Well as nice as that would be that is not a for sure solution, so I must come up with other ideas.  Homemade favors and centerpieces, unique decor, venue and menu, and knowing the awsome creative, talented, family we have it shouldn’t be too hard to acheive the wedding of our dreams.  I am not worried about the wardrobe there are so many inexpensive options out there now a days.  Hair and makeup shouldn’t be too hard and I am sure with the proper research will be easy, maybe I should just start practicing now and learn to do it all my self.  Stay tuned for an update as I try to achieve a dream wedding in a reality budget.
Then again maybe I should keep dreaming until I am engaged!

What does the world have to offer?

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I know that I want to see the world one day, something that my mom might want to do but I wouldn’t know because she has never mentioned.  Besides her wanting to see Tahiti, I have never heard her say anything about wanting to see the Eiffel tower or Big Ben, the magical color blue in Greece, or even the Statue of Liberty.  I guess there has to be some people who would prefer to be where they feel safe, or maybe she just could not afford it so she did not want to bring and get not only her but my hopes of travel up either.

When she got sick and others got sick and some died, I realize that life is not promised.  I began to pray every night for a new tomorrow, sometimes wondering if I would survive the night as you know from my other blog.  I am finding myself afraid to step out paranoid of what this world has got to offer, I stop myself and ask ‘Do you or do you not trust in God?” and “What has happened to you personally that makes you afraid of God’s world?”  And the only thought that comes to mind is nothing.. I want to see new things, feel new things, taste new things, and learn new things… much more I want to take my mom, boyfriend and my goddaughter with me!!
In San Francisco, my boyfriend and I can barely afford a studio.  If you want a family home, raise kids, and still be able to feed your family and yourself you have to move across a bridge.  I love being close to my family but I also want to be that Joan Clever type of mom, and it is more clear then ever that it will not be able to happen here in SF.  I want to take a chance and live somewhere new, live life how life is meant to be lived.  Be amerced into a new setting a new culture where you have no choice but to live life and grow into the habitat, and yes give up with what I am comfortable and safe with.  No not completely!  I am only human and I wish I could eat my cake and have it too… (I know that was backwards but it makes more sense!)  I want to move to somewhere new and take my whole family with me… Let’s all try something new together!  Seeing that I wont be able to move my whole family somewhere crazy with me so I am either going to stay here where everyone knows your name and or wait till I build up the courage to go and move somewhere new!
I guess life is one big personal negotiation battle, weighing out the pro’s and the cons.. 

Thinking of Robin Williams and every one with a mental illness!

This week we lost one of my favorite celebrities from The Bay Area who was not only famous to The Bay, but to the world. He played the funny guy in so many movies and he played the funny guy in this hectic world, yet he was so sad inside and going through something for only God knows how long. He decided to take his own life. I have seen him in person interacting with your everyday person once helping people get there bags off the baggage carousel at the airport. Just goes to show you never know the battles of anyone until unfortunately sometimes it is just too late.

This is something that more than half the human race deals with. I am going to go on a hunch and say half of the people you think are so happy and easy going, not a worry in the world, living the “perfect life” have their issues too. The happiness you see through a smile is just a disguise to hide their problems. I myself and a more than a handful of people I know have thought or attempted in taking our own life. As a human when you are at your lowest the most common thoughts are “If I wasn’t here. Life would be better.” and “No one would miss me if I wasn’t here.” The one thing I took from my stress reduction class is to question the integrity of how your feeling or question the integrity of what you’re saying to yourself. Something that I have found helpful in this world is to find an outlet don’t just sit back and take a beating from yourself. Finding someone to talk to is step one. Whether this person is a friend that you can confide in or a new friend that you meet in a chat room, let that person become a shoulder to virtually cry on. Even if it is a paid person to listen to you, let that person be an outlet. Last but not least who for me is the one person that you should talk to on top of another one of the others is God. He is always listening to you regardless if you talk to Him personally or not it’s just you might hear His answers a little clearer if you are having a conversation with Him. Just know that if you were meant to be dead well you would be dead. You are meant to be a live and meant to have a chance at a new day every new morning that you are blessed with.

When it was time for me to reach out to a professional it was because I had so much anxiety at night time that I thought I was going to die in my sleep. This would ruin my day times because I was depressed about sleeping my days away and then having to go through the cycle again the next night. Every night I fell asleep it was not because I lay down and closed my eyes voluntarily but because I unknowingly passed out after fighting off my sleep for hours. Imagine being so scared to fall sleep that you forced yourself awake because you were not sure if that was going to be your last moment on this earth. I am not ready to die… I have so much to give in this world… I want to do so much… I have so much to accomplish in this lifetime… this just simply cannot be it… this is what plagued my mind constantly. Then when I finally fell asleep it would either be a dream of me falling off of a cliff and jumping out of my sleep gasping for air or a dream of spider webs covering my body. Yes… I would dream of waking up in the middle of night with spiders hanging over me or a maze of cob webs layered over my sleeping body and in the moment I feel like should I use my gymnastic moves that I only have in my dreams to get out of the webs and then destroy them but being human I jump out of bed and out of that dream. Then to top it off I have the fear that when my mom left the house or anyone that I cared for was set to come back to me they just simply did not come back. I have always just prayed my way out of both.

When talking to my boyfriend about this blog he says that when he has to explain his depression or anxiety to anyone he “describes it being just like a bummed knee or any other physical illness, you just learn to live with it and sometimes you have flair ups and you have to give it a little extra attention.” I think that he is absolutely right to compare it to any other ailment or illness but what sucks is you can’t live with this. It could get just as bad to where you hide away from the world. That in your paranoid mind the world is trying to “get you”, or deal with it so long you think that to give up and take your own life is your final choice. That is not living. Living takes surviving. That is suffering.

When I think of Robin Williams I can’t help but think of the Genie from Disney’s Aladdin. The Genie always came off in such a good mood granting wish after wish for whoever gave him the chance, while really just wanting to be free from it all. It wasn’t until Jafar got a hold of him and made him do dark things his job of being the happy magical Genie had disappeared and you see him as the prisoner he knew he was and settled with. Then in the last minute there is a fight for his life and he is liberated to roam as free as he wanted. I can’t help but think he was going through the darkest times of his career and obviously his life and just wanted to be that free genie. I am confident that he is in Heaven cracking jokes and making voices. The Lord knows our struggles and is a foot ahead of our freewill choices it is our destiny and he wrote the book. The world will miss a legend like Robin Williams but we can take all that he has done and turn his glorious life and tragic death into the great inspiration that he was and always will be.

I can tell you how much I prayed my way to get out of it, but if I told you that my depression and anxiety at night was gone or even that I had answers to this illness that would be a lie. What does help me get by is picking up new hobbies, collecting new things, basically a distraction for my mind to think of anything else. Lately what has been helping not only me but my boyfriend as well is embracing Our Heavenly Father more than ever before. I am ready to get “foundated” in a Christian church that has a message of love and peace, listen to Christian music that is uplifting and nothing but positive. Just be a positive person all around and try to only uplift those around me, but also try and not worry about things just truly trust in His plan for me, oh and who can forget to Pray! My battle strategy doesn’t have to be the one for you or maybe it is, either way you need to fight this war. Think of outlets and a game plan, I am always an email away to help you. The one thing I do know is suicide is not the answer to your problems, there is help… if you need a virtual shoulder to lean on I encourage you to please email me, I will answer, listen to you, and give you some free advice that you can take with a grain of salt or take to the heart. I am here to pray with you, pray for you, or pray for me. Just reach out a finger and email me or call someone anyone, the world as cruel as it is can be a beautiful place, a place of The Lords children. You are one too. If you think no one will miss you are wrong, I will miss you and miss out on the chance to make a new friend.

Email me at:
prettytoria415@gmail.com

Don’t be afraid to call someone, if you think you have no one then I encourage you to call the Suicide Hotline at:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-8255

First Taste of Me

I was living the same life everyday of being stuck in this routine of working so hard to have nothing materialistic in my life.  I know for those of you who are that down to earth your basically under the earth and materialistic things in this world wouldn’t matter, but for myself I am down to earth but I love doing fun things, buying consumer goods, eating good food, and seeing beautiful sites.  But had to go into debt living this life that was not real just to keep a smile on my face, I know no excuses but here is my excuse… I live a life where I work and support my mom due to many illnesses that we will get into some as we figure out on my journey, I live a life where everyone and everything matters to me and sometimes I noticed that some of the people and things that matter to me well simply I just don’t matter to them.  I also live a life where I am forced to think about illness and death a lot and have been forced to think about because it has been injected into my life since childhood years.  Yes it is true I used to have picnics at the cemetery and meet new friends there and play with the ducks pick flowers, but I enjoyed those days was not until about the age of seven that I realized why I was there to help clean a tombstone and talk to my grandfather then walk down the row of tombstones never to step on one to visit my grandparents friends.

With all of this death, illness, issues, you might think I lived life under a grey cloud, but by the grace of God I see the light in everything.  Sure it may seem like a coping mechanism and you are right but for me and what I believe in prayer and hope should be the only mechanism I need.  Sure you know I had more mechanisms, the good life of buying trying and seeing new things was the other and the debt I put myself into was of no concern.  I also had planned to become a successful what not famous for the where not and use the power to help the world a little bit at a time.  Since this dream came into my heart I have not lost the site of the goal, it just gets pushed further back and the goal alters with the complications of life.  Playing the lotto or slowly trying to put myself out there to get foot by foot into the door of something to get a jump start on my dream of success,  then it became clear in my heart I was not trying to become successful in this world for just me but for my mother.  The joy of giving her a carefree life would be the meaning of success.  Now the question of just what would give her that sense of freedom comes to light, sure I thought money was the main thing that would make her happy because that was all we fought about.  However I don’t think that is it; I think a life of not having to worry about anything including herself, and to let her be the mom again in our relationship and hopefully one day the grandma to my kids.  Give her a home with peace and quiet when she wanted and loud when not, to let her daughter become successful at anything and everything I put my mind too as she tells me all the time I can do is what will make her happy.  Now I invite you on the ride of a lifetime to see if I can give her the world, help this world, and can be successful at the abundance of life God as given to me.

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