I Lied To You

Hi Guys!

I have come today to be honest with you all. I have been lying to you for all these years! I’m sorry!

Yes I have depression.. anxiety.. diabetes.. fibromyalgia.. and making list after list does in fact keep me calm!

But besides this I have not been myself on here or on YouTube! I have been trying my hardest to portray the characteristics of the popular girls. Why because I wanted to be liked by the world and be successful at this life.

I can’t hold up to this facade anymore it is so tiring. I need to be myself! TBH it is not working either so what do I have to lose!?

I am Victoria and I am a city girl who is country at heart. I don’t think I will ever have a modern home.. I want a country farmhouse home but currently just have a normal home that is not decorated to the nines.

I am quirky and nerdy and dress kind of weird.. I don’t mind being in what some don’t considered trendy clothing as long as I am dressed cute and comfy to me!

I live for food, fashion(my style), and beauty! I try my best to incorporate food into my fashion and beauty 95% of the time! I am the biggest animal lover (also incorporated into my fashion) and cry almost everyday because of animal videos or looking at adoption websites!

I am overly sensitive like more sensitive than most young children.. if there is a story on about Christmas or love or a talent show on tv I will cry! Not just cry but ball my eyes out!

If I could have Christmas decor up 24/7 365 days a year.. I WOULD!! I am going to try doing Christmas at Halloween time this year coming! I want to be Mrs. Claus and decorating my home as the North Pole! I have believed in Santa for 34 years and will never not!

I am an organized dreamer.. I dream of one day marrying my best friend but have accepted that that may not happen and as long as I am with him and we are happy in life I will be wonderful. Just like I dream of being a mom via adoption because I don’t want to be pregnant.. but also accept that I may just be a fur mom and the cool aunt to my nieces and nephews! I dream of homes.. food.. travel.. even my wardrobe picks for seasons to come even if I will never have these things. But the reason I say organized is because it starts as a list and ends in a slideshow show presentation sometimes with a buying plan. I can show you my organization on another blog. However I think I dream so much because of things that I have been through and it helps me hide in oblivion behind sparkles and sequins!

Things that have happened to me were the reason I acted out and made poor choices at times in life or wanted to be someone else.. but I have prayed continually to God for forgiveness and guidance for myself and the ones who victimized me! I have been forgiven by God and know that everyone makes mistakes.. my mistakes have everything to do with who I am!

My family especially my SO.. my mom.. and my goddaughter.. and all of my family also have helped me to be a better me and truly mean everything to me and if I could do little things or big things to make them happy.. that is my goal in life! It’s makes me happy to see the ones I love happy!

I HOPE YALL CAN ACCEPT ME FOR ME!

I want to revamp my blog theme and my YouTube site.. I need to be myself. I love being funny while talking about the things I love. It doesn’t matter if I am successful at these things as much as I would like to be.. I can no longer do this to try and be a popular one.. I just need to be me.. and if the world likes me then it’s a blessing but if they don’t then that’s okay because I love me and that is a bigger blessing!

Until next time my pretties!!

Love Toria Louise

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What does the world have to offer?

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I know that I want to see the world one day, something that my mom might want to do but I wouldn’t know because she has never mentioned.  Besides her wanting to see Tahiti, I have never heard her say anything about wanting to see the Eiffel tower or Big Ben, the magical color blue in Greece, or even the Statue of Liberty.  I guess there has to be some people who would prefer to be where they feel safe, or maybe she just could not afford it so she did not want to bring and get not only her but my hopes of travel up either.

When she got sick and others got sick and some died, I realize that life is not promised.  I began to pray every night for a new tomorrow, sometimes wondering if I would survive the night as you know from my other blog.  I am finding myself afraid to step out paranoid of what this world has got to offer, I stop myself and ask ‘Do you or do you not trust in God?” and “What has happened to you personally that makes you afraid of God’s world?”  And the only thought that comes to mind is nothing.. I want to see new things, feel new things, taste new things, and learn new things… much more I want to take my mom, boyfriend and my goddaughter with me!!
In San Francisco, my boyfriend and I can barely afford a studio.  If you want a family home, raise kids, and still be able to feed your family and yourself you have to move across a bridge.  I love being close to my family but I also want to be that Joan Clever type of mom, and it is more clear then ever that it will not be able to happen here in SF.  I want to take a chance and live somewhere new, live life how life is meant to be lived.  Be amerced into a new setting a new culture where you have no choice but to live life and grow into the habitat, and yes give up with what I am comfortable and safe with.  No not completely!  I am only human and I wish I could eat my cake and have it too… (I know that was backwards but it makes more sense!)  I want to move to somewhere new and take my whole family with me… Let’s all try something new together!  Seeing that I wont be able to move my whole family somewhere crazy with me so I am either going to stay here where everyone knows your name and or wait till I build up the courage to go and move somewhere new!
I guess life is one big personal negotiation battle, weighing out the pro’s and the cons..